10 Powerful Tools for Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a potent facet in the Dance of Grief. The absence of forgiveness keeps people stuck and inhibits the healing process. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, having a serious illness, or even as a survivor of abuse, people tend to play the blame game as a way to divert the angst aroused by the loss or trauma.
Remaining in the active state of accusations and unbridled hate toward those who did not do enough or were abusive invariably creates a state of fusion with the loss or trauma. A bind is created when the negative memories are kept alive as they turn into what Nathan believes is an eventual form of self-abuse with the potential effect of a prolonged emotional disturbance. It is an imperative aspect of healing to let go of the judgment and culpability as a means of holding on to the truth of today.
The 10 tools to forgiveness:
1. Decide to start the process of forgiveness.
2. When aware of judgments, replace them with a fact.
3. Stop obsessing about the person or occurrence if there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the situation: think about what can be changed, and change that. Go inside of the psyche.
4. To forgive does not mean to forget. Forgiveness is a respite from the active state of blame.
5. Write a letter about the situation to safely externalize the anger/rage.
6. Acknowledge the anger/rage/sadness around the situation: it allows for less fusion.
7. De-fuse by being in the moment of the mind. Stay present by counting, snap a rubber band and refocus to change the thought.
8. Affirm a new positive intention and act on it.
9. Connect with others who have healed in similar ways.
10. Take an inventory about what is un-forgiven: Imagine the outcome if there was an apology: This is a form of soothing the self.
The following quote about forgiveness from Gerald Jampolsk supports the notion of resisting the temptation to stay in judgment and blame:
A few more quotes:
“When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others, I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, reminding me that I can only have peace of mind when I forgive rather than judge.”
Gerald Jampolsk
“Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.”
― Carl Bard
The process of moving into a conversation about forgiveness involves a commitment to exploring an outcome that had not been previously considered. You may have believed the only way to live with the memories was to make a pledge and devote yourself to bitterness and retribution. When the intensity of sorrow and trauma soften, you move away from the obsessive thoughts that occupy the brain. Grudge-holding, revenge-seeking, and vindictiveness can feel powerful, yet they keep you stuck. Tangling with these thoughts and challenging your preoccupations alters the constant anxiety of being on guard.
