Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are not alone in these feelings of abandonment and grief.

It sounds like your father was complicated. He seems lost in his own way and you got caught up in his wake. Awful stuff. I am glad that therapy helped you to find comfort.

I have included a link to my article "When Your Father Didn't Play the Role You Needed". You may find it helpful in your recovery process.

https://edynathan.medium.com/when-your-father-didnt-play-the-role-that-you-needed-ec173568f8c9